Put On Something Triggering

I just wanted them to fit. Fit the way they fit before. But that was forty pounds ago. During that season of forty pounds shedding off of me, I did it. I went and spent money on clothes. Clothes I would come to love. My favorite jeans, my favorite sweatshirt, and my favorite dress. The one that I still attempt to squeeze into today. Whether it’s spending money on something and not being able to use it, or just feeling so uncomfortable in clothes that used to be loose–reality hits. Things aren’t the way they used to be. 

The treatment that was supposed to end continued for another year. After a month off of chemo, I started to wake up wailing in the middle of the night. Again, back pain caused sleepless nights and explosive pain in my hip. A call straight to the oncologist landed me in the women’s department buying new pants–my steroid pants.

My oncologist advised me on the course of steroids; he would prescribe me to manage the pain, and halt the cancer growth. He refrained from advertising how my body would aggressively change over the next six weeks waiting out a biopsy and the next course of treatment. A drastically different appetite and lots of swelling later, no prescription could release me from my new dilemma: I wanted to be back on treatment to be able to fit in my clothes? 

I had convinced myself in the throes of treatment that those steroid-treatment-isn’t-over pants were just for a season. I combated staying present and grateful feeling assaulted by tight fitting clothes. Surely, those steroid pants were worth every penny. Wearing pants that fit and didn’t trigger discomfort and confusion over my future each time I buttoned them was a gift. 

Indeed, the steroid pants were for a short season. For better and for worse. To my oncologist’s liking, my body was rapidly changing and rebuilding after three different courses of chemotherapy. To my dismay, nothing fit. I went from postpartum clothing, to cancer eating at my body, to you’re good as new–all 80 pounds of fluctuation within three really fast years. I struggled to embrace my body fighting and healing.

My guess is either you or someone you know is on a roller coaster of some sort of change. This comes in all shapes and sizes–emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental rides. For better or for worse, we just want off of these rides. We want to stop flailing between seasons, missing what we used to have. While sometimes we can’t change the season we are in, we can direct our attention on something less obvious.

Instead of putting on whatever triggers us, we get to put on the things of God. Week to week, day by day, moment by moment. Let’s perceive the thing God is doing (Isaiah 43:19 NIV).

I can’t say my steroid pants fit today. I moved past what doesn’t fit. Well maybe. I still want to fit in that one dress I wore to my first outing without any hair. Yet, there’s no sting. Would you consider joining me over the course of this series in putting on something [a little less] triggering? Hallelujah, unlike the steroid pants, it will be free to put on. Be sure to follow along HERE.

Let’s interrupt those triggers finding gold every day.